It was during a Wednesday morning coffee at Café Crème when a friend asked if I’m on the dating apps.
“Nope,” I said with pride.
Like my other friends, she then went on to sell the idea of the app by telling me a success story: “My friend Charlotte found Ben on Bumble, and they’re my favourite couple in the world. They are meant to be. They’re like the… David and Victoria of couples…”
I believe her, I do. These apps can bring two very compatible people together who may never have crossed paths otherwise.
Even so, I will not do it, and I’ll never do it – no matter how many weddings are on my Instagram feed. The truth is I’ve watched too many films, and so the only way I’m going to be able to meet the soul mate is via a meet-cute.*
When I moved to Oxford, I thought about the kind of meet-cutes available. A bookshop is the obvious one – I go to reach for a book in Blackwell’s and meet a hand going for the same one – I look up and standing there is a blinking chap in glasses. He’s a stumbling, awkward ball of a man, but that’s ok…because I will soon discover that he can take my insulting jokes….and that’s how I meet my soul mate.
I had a vision when I saw No Time to Die at the Picture House. The title sequence (a vital part) would come on, and at the same time, I and the man sitting in the next chair shushed the audience. I turned to smile at him – and that’s when I discovered the Daniel Craig look-a-like sitting next to me….…and that’s how I met my soul mate.
(What actually happened was a woman sat next to me and rattled her Malteser packet throughout the whole of the title sequence. Twat.)
The apps, though, are the death of meet-cutes. Gone are the days of seeing one another through a fish tank; now, we’ve resorted to picking our soul mates in the same way we would get a table on eBay, with well-lit photos and some crafted copy.
Perhaps you give an app a go and find a chap in the catalogue that takes your fancy. Before long, you’re sitting at a high top with Robbie in All Bar One. He’s telling you about the amount of press-ups he can do while you’re trying to work out how the hell he hid those nostrils in all of his photos.
…that’s not how I meet my soul mate.
I need the bloke to find me hanging off the back of a ship- that’s the kind of level I’m talking about – and that’s not happening on an app, so no app for me.
My problem is, though, no man is going to be near the back of that ship because he’s sat alone in his room …on Bumble…..meeting his soul mate.
*Meet cute – is a scene in which the two people who will form a future romantic couple meet for the first time, typically under unusual, humorous, or cute circumstances.
THE QUACK 