When I was 14 I made a road map of what my life was going to be.
I would be a music video editor and have a sausage dog named Sizzle and perhaps a house rabbit. I planned to have a June wedding in my 27th year, and in my early 30s, I would start spitting out the kids. For someone who is a fan of Google Maps and likes to put my grains into jars, this seemed like a sensible way to run my life.
However, none of the above materialised, and in fact, everything that has happened was never planned.
I was never meant to be in advertising, but at 24, I found myself transporting a trolley load of Tesco’s finest Christmas gammons to a commercial. At 26, I wasn’t supposed to grow a pineapple in Australia. And at 30, I certainly wasn’t meant to be a tour guide.
As someone who lives by the to-do list, the maths simply doesn’t add up – if I tick off my daily goals, how have I ended up being someone and somewhere that wasn’t intended?
On the weekend, I turned 31 and decided to celebrate it by putting friends in a room with a fridge full of alcohol. Some of these people I haven’t seen for years, and others would have been strangers when I had turned 30 but are now friends. Of course, being an over-planner, I made a Spotify playlist named 31, and there was even a YouTube playlist, which was a silent reel of my favourite movie clips and music videos. The reel got a couple of scoffs and eye rolls. Don’t you have anything better to do?
Everyone soon ate their words, though, when at 11 pm, the Weapon of Choice music video came on, and the room started to dance along with Christopher Walken.
If 14-year-old Mary would have come in at that moment, she would have switched off the TV and slammed down the remote.
“WHAT ABOUT THE HUSBAND? THE KIDS? THE HOUSE RABBIT?”
At this point, I would have looked at my puffed-out friends, the empty bottles of cheap wine around the room and the pile of Polaroid photos that had been taken throughout the night.
14-year-old me would start tapping her foot impatiently.
“WELL?”
“Well…” I would clear my throat . “Who needs a house rabbit when you have friends like these?”
THE QUACK 