MARATHONS: THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND

AUDIO QUACK

There was so much lycra in London this weekend that you could make a catsuit for a whale.

I was quietly nibbling my avocado on toast in a hotel lobby when I was suddenly surrounded by women in colourful activewear and men with their furry, veiny legs out, all lunging and stretching around me.

Ah, the London Marathon.

Competitive running has never been my thing. Once in P.E., after being told we had to run 800 meters, I swore so loudly that I was ordered by the teacher to walk a tree as punishment. As a grown-up, I have never been tempted to sign up for racing, apart from the Clapham Common Santa Dash, but that doesn’t really count, though, does it?

Although I would never do a marathon, it does appear to be getting more and more popular. Back in the day, you would only know one person who had done one, and it would be part of their identity.

“This is Gary. He’s our financial director. He just ran the marathon, didn’t you, Gary?”

It’s become so popular that it’s no longer good enough if you have just run one. Now you have to have done ALL the marathons, or an Iron Man, or be like my mate Matty, who ran 171 miles in 7 days from the North Rim of the Grand Canyon to the summit of the Grand Staircase – that is a marathon a day, and on the seventh day- two marathons. Golly.

You have to feel for people like Gary because running 26 miles is ridiculously tough – (I can imagine) – all those blisters and nobody bats an eyelid. Poor Gary.

And how far do we take this running malarky? Do we run over fire? Do we have pins stuck into our feet? Sponsor Stu he’s going to run three marathons in one day with a wasp nest on his head. It has perhaps gotten a little out of hand.

I stayed far away from the race and went to the Saatchi Gallery, where there was no lycra but plenty of abstract outfits and multicoloured hair.

I wandered around the gallery and found pencil sketches of spread-eagled women and pop art pieces in penguin books, which cost £18,000. Then I saw a sculpture of a lizard conveniently placed on a man’s…thingy…

I realised then that running isn’t the only thing has gotten a little out of hand in this world.