THE QUACK

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I was reluctant to go onto any dating app. There is something cold and manufactured about the whole thing. As you may have read here, I have watched too many great scenes in great movies where people meet in these random moments that could only be put down to fate. The app eliminates all of that.

However, my friend Archie was insistent that I’d give it a try.

“You need to widen your pool, you can’t wait for the right man to walk into Society Cafe at the exact moment you are there,” he advised. And he had point, this wasn’t the movies after all.

So, I went on Hinge. I portrayed myself in five of my best photos (one showing my face, one showing I have friends, one showing I travel, one showing my whole clothed body, and one silly one). Then, I had to put three prompts on my profile to give the man a clue about who I am.

These were my initial prompts as a beginner Hinger:

Guess the movie … “There’s a snake in my boot”

I want someone who can …Open jar lids

My ideal man is… Someone who drives a Ferrari, or can do an impression of Kermit the Frog – either will do.

(This prompt, I realised, was a bit of a mistake; all I got was wannabe Ferrari drivers or men who can do Kermit the Frog impressions, and I realised that I wasn’t attracted to either of these).

“Now, the trick is to not overthink it,” said Archie, knowing me well. So, I’ve been on the app for 2 weeks now, and these are my observations:

Founders

Most men on this thing seem to be a founder. What they have founded remains a mystery. And so, I can only assume that they have “founded” a branded t-shirt that nobody wears or “founded” an e-commerce site from the basement of their parent’s house.

Dogs

Every man in their 30s seems to have a dog, and is using the dog as bait to attract women. Sure, it works to a point – if there were identical twins one owned a Basset Hound, I know which one I’d pick. Saying that, there are also many questions that arise with man and dog:

Will we have to finish our dates early to go home for the dog?

Do you shut the dog outside of the bedroom or does it simply… watch?

If I stand on the dog’s tail by accident, will that cause a row?

Are you just looking for a dog sitter so you can play golf?

Golf

Speaking of golf…. if there is a photo of him playing golf, then it’s an X. There is nothing wrong with golf or golfers, but who has a five-hour hobby? And it’s one of those sports that, sadly, they can’t get too old for. This means that for the rest of our lives together, he’ll be hitting that damn white ball around a clipped lawn. My grandad is 90 with dementia and still turns up for golf. Enough said.

Skiing

Skiing is also an instant X. I don’t mind that they ski… It’s not unattractive. Plus, having a week to myself every year as they go up and down a mountain is very appealing. However, The issue will arise when he convinces me that we should go skiing together.

Men like to fix things, and a non-skiing partner is something they can conquer. He’ll start off gaslighting me into thinking that it’s easy, and then a few moments later, I’ll be hurtling down a mountain on two plastic sticks whilst he’ll be screaming behind, “SNOW PLOUGH! SNOW PLOUGH! MARY! SNOW PLOUGH!”

As I head towards a tree, I’m thinking, I should have pressed X.

Sunsets

Another thing that bugs me about this app is when a man tries to sound romantic. I can’t tell you how many men say they’re looking for someone who likes sunsets. There is not ONE person on this planet who turns away in disgust at sunsets, so they get an X for being lazy.

Steven

Then I came across Steven….

Steven claimed that his ideal Sunday would be to have a nice walk, eat a roast, watch F1 and have fresh bedding to sleep in.

“FRESH BEDDING?” I yelled at my phone screen. “And whilst you are watching the F1, STEE-VEN, how do you suppose this fresh bedding is going to happen?”

I stabbed the X and threw down my phone,

and it was at that point I feared that,

perhaps,

I’m over thinking this. 

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