THE QUACK

AUDIO QUACK!

When a group of male friends get together, I imagine they most likely talk about the scores of a sports game, what football manager needs to retire, how well they’re doing in work….and the mountain they want to climb. That’s if they’re talking at all. Sometimes, I see them in a group, sipping their pints in complete, utter silence. Keeping all their feelings and gossip bundled up inside. HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT? What they’re probably not going to do, is sit together and write a list of what they are looking for in a woman. 

Whenever I’ve asked a straight man what they are looking for in a woman, it tends to be a short stumbling list, “Erm, kinda smart I guess, laid back…not bossy…. and err….hot.” (They want to say other stuff too, but they’re not going to say those things to me).

My friends, however, have a long, long looooooong list. You may have read Amy’s ‘Mr Normal’ list here. We also created another for Sausage over a pizza in Milan. It included things like:

• Family man.
• Has a driving licence.
• A relationship with God. 
• Can’t excessively sweat.
• Must be able to sing.

By the end, there were over twenty requirements for Sausages’s future man…(wherever he may be).

What is always included in the male requirement list, is that he has to be funny…the boyfriend HAS to be hilarious.

“I just want to laugh,” My friends will say.

As much as I see where they are coming from, I also call bull. We all have that male friend who makes us laugh, do we want to see them naked? No. Put it this way, if humour was the ultimate thing, then why aren’t we all drooling over Michael Mcintyre?

Sometimes what we’re asking for seems to be balancing on a very thin line.

Confident but never arrogant.

A bad boy, who is not bad to me. (Just other women).

Love his Mum, but not too much. (She’s not coming for Christmas).

Even the sense of humour that is so vital, has to be perfectly crafted into slick-witted-one-liners, that are not crude or cringe-worthy.

I can’t speak for every woman, but it’s fair to say my friends can be slightly fussy.We have a list of what we’re looking for, but is anyone looking for us? In other words, Would you date you?  

Me, for instance. I can be quite entertaining due to growing up with brothers. I can have an in-depth conversation about the 2000s punk-rock era and WWE. I’m also quite good at booking restaurants. I also record a blogcast every week. What every man wants…

However, there are elements which have been unanimously a turn-off for every boyfriend. MUST YOU OVERTHINK EVERYTHING? I’ve been asked on a few occassions. And I’m a little messy…not grosse, just messy…I have been pulled up on how the toothpaste tube ends up by multiple exes.

If I tried, I could change these things, but I wouldn’t want to give anyone hope. 

I put the question to my friends and got a varied response. 

“Yes! I’m so cute, I’m very cute,” said Kate. She paused and then added, “But I do cry at everything. Like everything. Happy, sad, I cry, but…” She drifted off, then came back. “I still would love me though.”

“100%,” Sausage stated. (She then listed off various things that a man, to the best of my knowledge has never, ever required). “I can sing! I’m funny! I’m well-travelled…”

The question was then sent to the girl’s WhatsApp group. Hermione, (the only one with an actual real-life boyfriend), replied, ‘Probably not. I can be properly psycho sometimes.” 

I’m not sure if Hermione wanted us to say, “No Hermione, you’ll be an utter dream to date…”

But instead, there was silence.

And it made me think of another question, Would you date your best friend? But that’s another Quack.

BLOG SOUNDTRACK