THE HOLIDAY: MAKE OR BREAK.

AUDIO QUACK

The holiday is one of the best tests for a relationship. It’s so effective that it’s commonly used to make or break a couple. It should be your time away together to relax, but if you don’t relax in the same way, then it’s never going to work. For instance, if one relaxes by looking at art in Rome, but the other finds this so goddamn pretentious, then we’re going to have a spat on our hands. Maybe not after the first day, but very likely by the third. Even if you do agree on the same way to vacate, there is also a lot to be said about how one goes about vacating.

For, it’s during this precious time away together you discover things about your partner that can only be exposed in exceptional circumstances…..

…. like airport security. Does the partner wait until the last second to unpack their laptop and take off their belt, or do they do this in good time so it doesn’t hold up the queue? This tiny detail says a lot about the person you supposedly love.

I personally like being at an airport two hours beforehand, checked in with a boarding pass in hand and an empty water bottle in the right compartment. Recently, I travelled with my friend Sausage, who hadn’t checked in online or pre-paid for the large cabin luggage. If Sausage was my partner, we would have broken up.

There are several types of holidays a couple can choose from….(and illustrated with intense couple holiday photos):

The Beach Holiday.

The man who sets the alarm to race down so he can bagsy a sun lounger… is no man for me. I believe beach holidays are like obscure sex fantasies in that the reality isn’t quite as satisfying. The idea of drinking something out of a coconut on a beach seems nice enough, but I would only do it for a total of 2 hours before getting bored. A whole week of lying in the sun, burnt and bloated in a bikini, cooking like a roast chicken – is kind of horrendous. And don’t suggest water sports. I am not straddling an inflatable giant fruit and being sped about the ocean by some gap-year geezer called Carl. Nor am I going to ‘join in’ with pool volleyball, with a team made up of a string-bikini-Swede and a big belly man who makes loud phone calls at the back of the pool instead of helping us win, and a couple who can’t stop sucking each other’s faces off.

The Ski-trip Holiday.

Skiing is not a holiday. You don’t pay to be uncomfortable, and when you ski, you are constantly uncomfortable. It’s freezing, it’s wet, you’re bruised, and the snow boots that make you look like a Transformer are cutting off your blood supply. The one and only time I’ve been skiing, the food was dismal. And I couldn’t help but think (every second of every minute) that I was up that mountain, that the thing I paid a lot of money to play on may just kill me.

Also, the majority of your time is not skiing but queuing to go on a lift to ski. If I want to queue in my free time, I would go to Dishoom on a Friday night in Soho – at least there will be semi-decent food at the end of it.

Camping and Hiking Holiday.

Don’t let Instagram fool you. Bugs, blisters, bears, instant noodles and no toilet. Why would you do this?

The City Break Holiday.

If a man likes a city break, then he scores a point from me. Although the balance between culture and relaxation must be aligned. Knowing about a cathedral, visiting art galleries, and learning the history of a place is all great, but this needs to be balanced with bread, coffee and mindless chat about the outfits that pass by. If the man has his nose in a guidebook and is spewing out facts like he’s mansplaining Paris to me whilst I am trying to have a quiet coffee, then that’s going to be a problem.

The Cruise Holiday.