The Emperor Heads on Broad Street don’t seem to be enjoying the sun. To be fair they don’t ever look like they are having a great time. I, on the other hand, have been very happy, tanning away with an iced-americano in various spots around the city.
I tend to jot down things I’ve seen and heard in my pink notebook. Here are some of last month’s observations or…. Oxforvations.
Crocs.
The last exams are taking place, and the students have been making their way across town to the Examination School. It’s required for them to wear subfuscs when taking exams. They look like superheroes on a budget in them. The tradition can be traced back to monks, but in recent years some of my academic friends have noted that the subfuscs are becoming a little slack. “I saw one wearing their gown with Crocs!” Lizzie said, horrifying our table at The Bear. Apparently, they were black Crocs, but Crocs nevertheless.
Homeless Royalty
My hairdresser told me that the late Prince Philips’s cousin is a homeless woman in Oxford. She came into the hairdresser once, and a young apprentice approached her as if she was a customer and asked if she could help. The supposed royal cousin stared and said, “What a funny young woman you are.” Then left.
Protest
I went down to see the protest when Kathleen Stock was speaking. Young people with coloured hair, draped in rainbow flags were dancing in a circle to Lady Gaga. The police were standing about, and journalists were squatting against walls with their laptops. . It wasn’t as wild as the media promised it was going to be. An older person joined the circle of dancing students, but it immediately killed the vibe. I went home and edited the photos with a dramatic filter.
Famous
There is a new Pilates studio in Little Clarendon Street. A photographer came to our class to take promotional photos of us. I smiled too much throughout the lesson, and now there is a photo of me on 300 flyers around the city looking like a (very happy) thumb. I’m also in a tour guiding leaflet eating a burrito. This is not helping my dating life.
Oriel Ball
On a muggy Friday evening Radcliffe Square is filled with small adults in big attire. It’s Oriel College white tie ball. The men are posing in the alcove of the Radcliffe Camera for a photo that will probably be in the Daily Mail one day. And the women are walking like foals, as they step across the pebbled surface in heels. If this was a woman’s world, they would have tarmacked the square by now.
Pulling T-shirt
There was a man in Varsity Club on Friday night. He was wearing a t-shirt that had cartoon frogs in suits and said Reservoir Frogs. That was a decision.
Tourists Chapters
(i) Local vs Tour Group
It’s that time of year when the seasonal guides return, and the busloads of tour groups are piling into the city. You would think that the retired local woman would be used to it by now, yet she is not. She yelled, ‘This is a walkway!” as she barged through the bodies of Americans who were too engaged in learning about The Bridge of Sighs to hear her.
(ii) Husband & Wife Tourists.
Sometimes tourists go at it alone and wander around the city without a guide. “That’s not a bloody library! That’s a college!” a man shouted to his wife as they passed the Bodleian library. I politely told him he was wrong. “It is a library then!” he shouted back to his wife. She pointed in his face and laughed.
(iii) Impatient Tourist
A tour group was asked to wait by Balliol’s door in the early afternoon sun. After a few minutes, one of the tourists, a middle-aged blonde woman complained to the student that it was too hot. The guide suggested that she could wait in the shade. She refused. “I will do my part!” she snapped and stormed back to the door, into the sunlight.
(iiii) The Dad Tourist
“Here we are, Alex!” There was a dad with a backpack clipped in all the places and trousers with knee zips. He was next to the Christ Church sign. His son and wife were standing a safe distance behind him. He read out the sign with enthusiasm.
“1546! Isn’t that something Alex?”
“I don’t like learning.” His son moaned.
“You don’t like learning? That’s unfortunate, you’re going to have to do a lot of learning in this life.”
The boy appeared salty and asked, “When is the surprise happening?”
“This is the surprise!”
The mum immediately reassured her son. “This is not the surprise.”
THE QUACK 