DEAR 32-YEAR-OLD MARY,

Dear 32-year-old Mary,

for a present this year, your mum gave you a Barbie doll with a dog that gives birth if you press its head down. That sums up where you are in life.

You felt young when you went to your first property management meeting yesterday, especially when they were complaining about the leaves in the doorway, and applauding Flat 20 for getting rid of the ivy in the bush.

Then again, you had lunch with 23-year-old Anna and that made you feel ancient. In hindsight it was a little extreme saying, “My child, don’t wait till your 30s to find a man, it’s like a clearance shelf up here.”

Do not panic that you are heading to your 32^nd Christmas – it may be the same age Bridget Jones was when she was pulling her bag up to her parent’s house in the snow, but you are nothing like her, despite what the Oxford student said in the pub.

Now you’re more than a few steps into the corridor of your 30s, you’re expected to say things that make you seem ‘worldly’. No fear, if you listen to FT news briefings in the morning, you can start conversations like, “Going to be interesting times now that Vestager is stepping down as the EU’S competition commissioner. Very interesting indeed.”

You DO NOT have time to learn the rap in Hamilton.

The Instagram feed will continue to be filled with other women and their husbands and children, smiling, posing in cornfields, and quite literally walking into the sunset. (WHO ARE TAKING THESE PHOTOS?). Remember your chant….

The nicer the picture, the worse the reality is.

(Perhaps mute these accounts for your sanity).

You probably want to start thinking about freezing an egg or two. You never know, one of them may be the next Cher or Picasso. But hey, don’t stress too much, you still have a slither of time left. When the Big Issue man on the corner of Broad Street stops winking, you know to book that appointment.

Other maintenance.; Do more pilates (so you don’t end up like a slinky). Get your wisdom teeth out before your front teeth start performing the missionary position. And see if there is anything you can do about that vein in your calf – it looks like an Avatar lugworm.

On the positive side, 32 is going to be brilliant because you still have 6 more series left of Game of Thrones. You’ve also just bought a brown suede coat that makes you feel like you’re in a ’60s indie film. And most importantly you have so many great, very single friends that you’re sharing this boat with, so if you’re going down – they’re coming down with you.