THE QUACK

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Yes, I swore after the man sent me a photo of his teddy collection that I wouldn’t return to Hinge, but I was feeling rather vulnerable about my single status over the Christmas period, so I redownloaded the app and began again.

I have spent a month examining the catalogue of men in my five-mile radius* and it’s clear that there is still work to be done. See previous rant about Hinge here. 

(*The 5-mile radius was soon extended to 10, then 15…then 20…..until it got to 100. I then thought about the reality of travelling all the way to Shrewsbury to hear a man list his siblings, was both desperate and depressing. It swiftly went back to 5).

With help from my male friends, I will soon be examining the common mistakes that females make in the virtual dating land, but for now, let’s deal with the three common errors that men do when trying to attract a woman using his Hinge profile.

Error One:  You cannot replace your best friend.

This is an example prompt I read on man’s hinge profile:

“We’ll get along if you think in quotes from the Simpsons.”

The man probably spent most of his twenties with his best bud endlessly bringing up Simpsons’ quote. When one attempted to go vegetarian, the other kept singing, “You don’t win friends with salad!”

But now the best friend is gone, (not dead, just married), and our man is trying to fill the gaping hole that is left.  What our man needs to realise though, is that a woman will not fill that hole. 

To have enough knowledge of the Simpsons to be able to spiel out quotes in everyday scenarios is a big ask for women in their 30s.

The equivalent is to say, “We will get along if….. you know the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s 10 minute version of All Too Well off by heart.”

This also goes for outside activities.  The man and his best friend used to enjoy long weeks away camping and climbing rocks. So there he is, standing soaking wet in the lake district with the caption: “Dating me will look like this.”

How many women truly stay in a good mood in this climate? (Probably about 3% in the UK?) Think about it, we hardly stay happy on a warm day in a romantic setting, if we’re hungry.  So, let’s add rain and a tent and see what happens?

ERROR 2 : What’s funny to you, is not to us.

A man posted a video of himself jumping out on his mate. 

Classic, amusing move. Will it get you laid?

No. 

From the beginning of time women have had to deal with men’s humour; the whoopee cushions, water balloons (see the time a boy threw water at my friend here), and now crude memes…all of which women have either faked a laugh at or taken offence to. We just don’t get it.

So it’s probably best to hide your ‘humour’ away until the fourth date.

ERROR 3 : The photos…choose wisely.

I feel bad for men. They don’t understand that every photo they post – we are judging everything…..

Oh no… is that his wallpaper. Eurgh

I wonder if he can grow a beard.

Another photo with a drink. Must have an issue.

Does he always wear polo tops?

His friend is hotter.

Who’s that girl in the photo?

Ew he likes cheese and onion crisps.

Is that a celebrity or his dad?

He has a Smeg fridge…

That looks like a Weatherspoon’s.

I wonder who took this photo?

A gym selfie? OK JOE ROGAN!

Will he make me go and watch him play guitar every weekend?

What airline is that?

Was the moustache a one off?

Whose kid is that? Will I have to babysit it?

I need to burn that shirt.

Put it this way I pressed X when I saw an ugly lampshade in the background. 

Some photos are decent, most probably because his ex-girlfriend took them. At the time he would have been irritated by having a zillion photos taken of him on top of the Empire State Building, but now, whilst trying to fill his bed, he’s grateful for the range of poses he gets to choose from.

The best photos are the ones taken at weddings, usually these have a flattering filter on. The more confident male will be doing a best man’s speech, like the one of the dashing Poetry Ed above*). Other photos will simply be the man smiling into the distance in a tweed suit.  

If things develop to a relationship, you will most probably see the same photo in a frame on his parent’s mantlepiece.

If a man has no decent ad hoc photos, then he has no choice but to selfie. I don’t know what it is about visualising the backstage process of the male selfie, but it leaves me feeling…uneasy. 

Don’t get me wrong, some men have cracked it, they look simply marvellous with a plain backdrop and steamy eyes… others though resembles the moment when Shrek pulls off his helmet and reveals his identity to Princess Fiona. 

Sometimes I wonder how men can figure out how to somersault on a motorbike through a hoop of fire…. but not understand that YOU DON’T TAKE A SELFIE FROM BELOW!!!!! FU*$£mY£%%L@FEEE!!!!!

….

If you’re a bloke and want to contribute to women’s errors on Hinge please DM me on Instagram @marylounewnham or email me mary@thequack.blog.

And please, nothing crude, I won’t find it funny.

*Poetry Ed wants you to know that he had the whole speech memorised, but the photographer chose to only capture the parts where he was reading quotes from a card. He is also single and won’t be found on an app. If you want his number, again, DM me.

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