THE QUACK

*My dear friend is requesting privacy, so I will be using a fake name to protect her identity.

Amy and I were visiting Sausage* in New York over the weekend. Sausage was giving us a tour around West Village and Chelsea. The tour consisted mostly on places we should brunch, “cute” shops and film locations.

First film location was Sex and the City’s Carrie’s Apartment.

“…Is it the Ukraine embassy?” Sausage* said.

She was thrown by the flag and the tiny little chain barrier on the steps. It was a stupid thing for Sausage to say, so stupid in fact that we’ll remember it for years to come.

“I think the Ukraine Embassy may have a little more security than this,” Amy said.

We stared at the tiny little chain on the step with a sign saying, ‘Do Not Enter’. It was enough to scare off die hard SATC fans, but perhaps not enough to stop anyone raiding an embassy.

Our next location was the Friends apartment.

Whilst we were taking photos of the iconic landmark we were approached by a woman and a man in thick framed glasses. The woman asked us why all these people were taking photos of this building. I did a sharp intake of breath.

“It’s the Friend’s apartment…” I said exasperated by her ignorance.

It got worse when we found out she was a real estate agent, and was showing Thick Frames the apartment a few doors down.

Thick Frames seemed a little concerned by the thought of Friends’ fans cluttering his street, but the estate agent began doing a sales pitch of how ‘marvellous to live in such an iconic location’. Thick Frames still seemed hesitant.

So Sausage helped her along, telling Thick Frames that she lives fairly locally and absolutely loves it.

“It’s far more exciting than D.C.” Sausage said.

Thick Frames’ eyes widened behind his lenses. “I used to live in D.C… we’re basically the same person…” Sausage didn’t say anything. He folded his arms with a confident grin. “What other reason should I buy around here?”

“UMMM…the restaurants are cute,” Sausage said.

I could see she was a little nervous, so as her friend I took it upon myself to interfere.

“And the locals are really attractive…” I said.

Thick Frames smiled at Sausage. I was on the verge of telling him about being so close to the Ukraine Embassy aka Carrie’s Apartment, but before I had the chance, Sausage made up an excuse and dragged us away.

“Mary!!!!!”

Sausage was annoyed.

“What’s wrong Sausage?”

“I may bump into him again!” she said.

“So?”

“I don’t want him to think…you know.”

“Are you kidding? He’s buying a flat on the Friends street! You should definitely definitely make ‘friends‘ with him…” I did a hard wink on Friends.

“I don’t care…his glasses were super thick and it made his eyes look teeny-weeny.”

“You wear glasses!” Amy said.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t like his brown clever-leather boots.”

(Side note – this is exactly what I’m talking about in my shoe-ick post).

“Well it’s New York, chances of bumping into the same person twice is almost impossible – unless you’re Carrie and Big, or Richard and Monica .”

And so we carried on our weekend and Thick Frames and his rubbish estate agent were forgotten. Saturday night, we went to a speakeasy near Wall Street, and then back to midtown where I ‘soberly’ fell out of the cab onto Fifth Avenue – a moment so stupid that my friends will remember it for years to come.

We ended up in a karaoke bar where a plump man in a plaid shirt, who went by the name of Mick-igan (Mick who lived in Michigan) sang, ‘Don’t You Want Me Baby’. And then to kill the night, a drunk girl screeched out “How to Save a Life.’

On Sunday, we headed to Brooklyn. I wanted to get a cab, but Sausage and Amy insisted on the metro.

“Can’t have you injuring yourself again…” Amy said.

So to the metro we went. I was dancing to a live band on the platform when I saw Sausage’s face drop. She was staring at the steps. I followed her eye line to see a pair of brown clever-leather-boots making their way down the metal staircase.

Thick Frames.

If this was Sex and the City, Sausage and Thick Frames would have spoken again, but this isn’t a lovely chick-flick drama on HBO, this is real life.

Sausage was half crying, half laughing. “That’s him! That’s him!” She wheezed.

Meanwhile Thick Frames walked as far as he could down the platform – as if he had never set eyes on Sausage.

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