Women are better at Hinge than men. We know how to take photos, we don’t have silly prank videos on our profiles, and you’ll never see us writing prompts like; “We will get along if you like make-up tutorials, netball and can quote Mean Girls.”
Unlike Mark (turtle) here, who is looking for a girl who likes…. cars, bikes, snooker, weightlifting, golf and motorbikes.
Good luck Mark (turtle). Good luck.
Women know exactly how to attract a mate on an app, or do they? After talking to my trusty sources of male friends I have discovered that we women don’t always get it right. Shock. In fact, despite all our filters and carefully crafted prompts, we can get it horribly, horribly wrong.
Allow me to present 5 things that make a man swipe left.
“I get the ick when a girl takes a selfie in a bathroom.”
The bathroom selfie usually consists of a well-lit full-length mirror in a restaurant toilet. We wait for the last woman to leave the bathroom, turn our phone cameras to the mirror, and start posing. Every split second, we adjust our face and body by an inch. We look like a breaking robot.
Once the shoot is over, we review our work (which is about 50 selfies) and pick the photo where our butt and lips are most out. What a sexy duck we are. We proudly put it up on Hinge. Hello Boys.
A bored account manger flicks through Hinge on his Monday evening. He sees the sexy duck bathroom selfie, and all he can think about is…. hygiene.
Apparently, some men can’t get excited about a girl when she is posing near a toilet – no matter how good the lighting is.
Rule 1 – No bathroom selfies. Sorry gals.
“Every girl says she’s looking for a man who makes her laugh.”
An attractive man has a good dating life. A funny, attractive man has a marvellous dating life.
It’s no secret that women go weak over a man with a good sense of humour (not full of innuendos and knock-knock jokes. See post Would You Date You?) And so it’s only natural that we advertise this preference when fishing. However, it seems to be the most common thing we look for. We don’t seem to care about smart, kind, attentive, loyal, spontaneous, well-groomed…as long as they have a library of puns and can banter with the barman – then we seem to be all in.
There is a scene in Friends that springs to mind – when Joey’s sister, Dina, tells him she’s pregnant.
Joey: Who did this to you?
Dina: Bobby Corso, he’s a real nice guy I like him a lot. He’s real funny.
Joey: You got pregnant for funny? Dina…if he’s funny….LAUGH.
Rule 2– Let’s ask for a bit more than funny.
“When they reference Friends, The Office, or How I Met Your Mother.”
It screams out ‘boring’, according to Poetry Ed. I disagree, obviously.
Rule 3 – Only quote highbrow tv series if you want to impress Poetry Ed.
“Not a huge fan of group photos.”
To show our potential partner that we are not a loner, we like to include a photo of us with all our friends. However, it’s come to my attention that our group photos can confuse the fellas, especially when we’re all blonde-haired, blue-eyed and wearing the same clothes. Quote from my friend Tom, “If I wanted to play Where’s Wally, I would buy a Where’s Wally book.”
Rule 4 – Don’t make them play Guess Which One I Am.
Keep your prompts constructive.
Sometimes, a girl could write a prompt that may seem funny, but it is not constructive towards our end goal of DEATH DO US PART . *Cue screechy, scary violin music.*
I once had a prompt: You should *not* go out with me if – you sneeze like a horse.
It didn’t go well. Instead of flirty openers from dashing chaps, I received panicked questions…
“Really intrigued, how does a horse sneeze?”
“Is this a thing???”
“What if I sneeze like a TNT tube in a cave under a glacier mountain?”
“I don’t know how a horse sneezes but apparently I eat an apple like one…”
Rule 5 – Keep your prompts productive towards the end goal.
Now I’m off.
Must remove a quote about ‘being somebody’s lobster’ from my profile.
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