GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE CLUBS.

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There comes a time in our lives when our best friend falls in love and becomes unbearable. Hermione met Sam over a year ago and has forgotten what it’s like to talk to single people.

“It’s the WORST being in love,” Hermione moaned as she drank her wine. It was Saturday night, and we were in Kettner’s celebrating Amy’s 32^nd birthday.

“It must be so tough for you…” Amy said with an eye roll.

Amy, like me, is as single as a plastic straw. Unlike me, Amy is not on the dating battlefield. You may have read her list of requirements for Mr Normal. But instead of hunting for Mr Normal through apps, bad speed dating events, friends of friends, friends of family, friends of friends of friends…. she much prefers her evenings on the sofa with a meal for one. And so, I have an ongoing campaign to try and get Amy to agree to at least one date with someone. Anyone

Hermione was crying into her plate now. “I mean, what if Sam dies?”

“At least you would have known who he was. In fact, my soul mate could be dead already. Maybe that’s where I am going wrong,” I said.

“Don’t worry Mary, he’ll be out there, alive. Like Sam was out there for me….”

I was about to throw my dinner at her, but then I had an idea.

“You’re right Hermione.” I threw my napkin down. “We should go out right now. Like out-out.”

Amy moaned. “Really? I was going to have an early night…”

“Amy! You’re 32, it’s Saturday night. We’re in Soho. We’re single.”

“I’m not.” Hermione butted in. I glared at her, and she looked down at her plate.

“All I’m saying is your Mr Normal could be on a dance floor just out there.” I pointed to the door.

“Eurgh,” Amy groaned.

And so, I led the charge of my unenthused blonde-haired army into the depths of Soho. It had been 12 years since I had been to The Roxy, but I remembered it being a great night out. It was a rough and ready basement which played indie rock like Jimmy Eat World and Paramore.

I kind of thought that the same people would be there, just older. That was not the case.

Loved up Hermione

The Roxy had had a makeover. There was a red neon light above the bar that spelt out ‘DRINKS’. The booths were a matching red and filled with baby face men who looked thrilled to be out at night. In the ladies’ toilets, one girl was bragging about how fruity her lip gloss tasted. We tried to dance, but after two songs we felt like schoolteachers at an out-of-hand raunchy school disco. It didn’t help that Hermione insisted on tying her scarf around her shoulders.

“We need to get out of here. This club is too young,” I said. At that point, our friend Oliver turned up and told us about a pub with a dance floor off Oxford Street. I was keen. My blonde army was not.

“Sam has just come home…and I want to wake up next to him and eat pancakes,” Hermione said.

“I’m tired….” said Amy.

“FINE! I’LL GO ON WITHOUT YOU!” I shouted.

And so, I left my girls behind and followed Oliver to a pub called The Phoenix. The man at the door modelled himself on Alice Cooper. Inside was packed and dark, and unrecognisable garage music was blasting out. I could just about tell that everyone in the room was born in the ‘70s. There is nothing wrong with people born in the ‘70s; Bradley Cooper, Ryan Reynolds and Adam Broody are on th“at list.

There was an awful lot of passive aggressive slogan t-shirts, a hefty BO stench and snogging. It was like a flash back scene out of a true crime Netflix documentary, you know just before a murder was going to happen. Our friend Mikey turned up. He looked around the room in disgust.

“What are we doing here?” Mickey asked. “This club is too old. Let’s go to The Loop.”

So, we wandered down Oxford Street to The Loop. I had never been there before, but both Mikey and Oliver had enjoyed the Spanish-themed Friday nights there. We scanned our IDs, got patted down, stamped, and were let in.

I knew we had found my place because my favourite Abba song was playing, ‘Does Your Mother Know” Catchy pervy lyrics sung in an upbeat way. Things got even better when I found the rainbow illuminated disco floor, which made me feel like I was in a Grand Theft Auto video game.

A reference that most people on the dance floor would have understood. And that made this club, just right.