MY DREAM PUB – THE KING’S KNEES.

🎧 Audio Quack! Skip Introduction 2:12 🎧

When I meet my Dad, it will often be in an old British pub. He’s comfortable there, as if it’s an extension to his home. He sits at the bar like it’s his dining table. And he is not alone, many people are comfortable in pubs because they know what to expect…

It would usually be a dark room designed to hide decades of spilt drinks and HP splodges. There is the smell of beer and urine. The surfaces will stick to your hands like fly paper. And there is always a wonky table being saved by the humble folded beer mat.

Even though I appreciate the charm of it, I’m not as keen to spend my time in a pub, but maybe I would if it was tailored to my liking.

See, if I had a pub… it would be called The King’s Knees.

(Illustrated with some interesting AI images)

Unlike the traditional pub, where it’s so dark it can feel like you’ve stepped into Captain Hook’s office; The King’s Knees will be bright and welcoming in the day, moody at night. There will be big windows, lamps, candles, and a gigantic farmhouse chandelier.

The bar will be made out of polished stone. (No, I don’t have a budget).

You can sit at the bar on the bar stools. These bar stools will not make you feel like a victorian school child in the naughty seat. They will be black leather (like an Eames chair) with a back. The height of the stool can be adjusted. This saves me and my fellow short humans from hiking up the thing. It’s not a sophisticated sight.

“Sorry Bob, wait a second.” *Get out climbing rope and climb the bar stool* “Ok….”What did you say your job was?”

The drinks offered at the King’s Knees are called pleasant names, none of this Neck Oil or Camden Hells. No. They will be called Dizzy Rabbit or Putney Heavens. Your well deserved drink will be presented, not in a bulky scratched pint glass that looks like it has a disease, but a crystal glass that makes you feel like you’re a guest of Mr Gatsby.

The drinks will be served by Joanie, a woman in her 50s, who is there like a second Mum, willing to give you the hard truth about your tumbling life.

“What I suggest you do is stop thinking there are plenty of fish in the sea. There was ten years ago, but now, at your age, not so much.”

Sigh. “Thanks Joanie.”

“Anytime. Here have another Dizzy Rabbit.”

You’re feeling peckish. What are the bar snacks?

What they are NOT are deep-fried pig skin with the hair still on. And they are NOT tiny packets of bacon flavoured crisps that tastes like something you would feed your dog.

No. At the King’s Knees you will be offered posh nuts. You know they’re posh nuts because they live in jars and are flavoured exotically; Honey cashews, rosemary almonds, sea-salt peanuts. Salt from the sea?! If nuts are not your thing, then there are olives, mini sourdough loaves and hot fresh popcorn.

Dogs are, of course, allowed. And so are cats. There is a residential Bernes Mountain Dog called Mr Darcey, who likes cuddles and does an excellent impression of a rug in front of the fireplace. The fireplace is in the designated reader’s corner, which has lamps, sloppy sofas and armchairs. You can read or do your online shopping here. It is treated like a quiet carriage on the train. You can be sure you can read your book without anyone disturbing you.

“What you reading there fitty?”

“Erm…Pride and Prejudice.”

“Sick. What’s it about?”

“Erm……”

There is an area for when you do want attention. The area has communal tables and games like shuffleboard, a pink pastel-coloured pinball machine and Scrabble. If you’re single, this is a great place to stand. If you’re a married man, do not stand here.

A pub’s toilet situation can be like battle of the sexes; who gets the ground floor toilet? The Mens toilets are commonly, easily accessible on the ground floor. Meanwhile, the Ladies are way up high in the heavens, and it can feel like you’re walking up a tourist attraction to get there.

In the King’s Knees, there will be no climbing. All toilets will be on the ground floor and clearly signposted, so you don’t end up on an impromptu treasure hunt. The toilets will be triple the size. They will have flattering lighting and floor length mirrors. One of these mirrors is designated for Hinge selfies only. (Stops people hogging the mirror. It’s a problem). The cubicles will be rooms, not some flimsy space hidden behind a saloon door, with a gap wide enough for a peep show. An infinate amount of toilet roll is crucial. And I want those dryers that makes your skin come off its bones. Oh, and Tom Hardy reading ‘I am a Tiger’ , will be playing on a loop.

The best thing about The King’s Knees, except for Mr Darcey, is the coming together of strangers to watch the ‘sport’.

Every Tuesday, people will leave their families to come to The King’s Knees. They will settle at the bar on their (adjustable) bar stools, stare at the screen, and erupt…. as The Great British Bake Off theme begins to play…