🏈 AUDIO QUACK 🏈
Can’t be bothered to read? Let me read for you.
[Skip Introduction 2:31]
Last Sunday, I went to an NFL game with my friend Sian. Sian was worried that she didn’t understand American football, but neither did I. It was Minnesota Vikings vs. NY Jets. I was supporting the Jets because I had been to New York and not Minnesota. I also wanted to wear green knitwear.
The first American football game I watched was in the film A Cinderella Story. Chad Micheal Murray’s character, Austin, was on the pitch when he spotted Hilary Duff walking away. He then does something no man would do. He leaves his team and runs after her.
His Dad yelled out, “You’re throwing away your dream!”
Chad Michael Murray replies, “No, Dad, I’m throwing away yours.”
Chad then catches up with Hilary. He kisses her as the rain comes down. Jimmy Eat World is playing. There’s sweat. There’s rain. There are Chad’s shoulder pads…
And that was my first impression of American football.
Back to the real match! The game had begun, and Sian and I were confused.
Sian’s cousin had sent a voice note explaining the rules as simply as he could, but we still had many questions. Like…
What is a sack? It sounds painful. Why are there three teams on one team? Do they take that white bench with them everywhere they go? What is the career span of a cheerleader? Why do some players have tea towels hanging off their trousers? And WHO is that beautiful bald man with the gigantic headset?
Jets’ coach, Robert Saleh. That’s who.
OK FOCUS.
We are used to “British” football – a game involving one ball and one brain cell. American Football, though, excuse the pun, is a different ball game.
As someone who could create a one-woman-play out of a text a man has sent, I can understand how one can overcomplicate a sport. See, if it were my responsibility to make up a game, I, too, would end up painting a gigantic ruler on the grass. I, too, would have monstrous headsets and clipboards. And I, too, would have 53 players.
“We will need a team for scoring, a team for defending, a team for kicking…”
“Can’t the scoring team do the kicking?”
“No, these have to be special kicking people.”
It’s so confusing who everyone is and why they’re there, that I asked AI to explain it…. using Toy Story characters as references.
Here is what AI told me….
Quarterback (QB) is Woody. Woody is the leader of the toys and takes charge during their adventures, just like the quarterback, who directs the offence and makes crucial decisions on the field.
Running Back (RB) is Buzz Lightyear. Always ready to launch into action, Buzz represents agility and speed, making him similar to a running back who needs to navigate through defenders and break away for big plays.
Wide Receiver (WR) is Jessie. Jessie is adventurous and always ready to catch whatever comes her way, embodying the wide receiver’s role of making strong catches and running intricate routes to help score touchdowns.
Tight End (TE) is Mr Potato Head. With his versatile nature—able to change his form in many ways—Mr. Potato Head mirrors the tight end, who needs to be both a strong blocker and a reliable receiver.
Offensive Lineman (OL) is Hamm. Hamm is solid and stands strong, providing support and defence for his team. The offensive linemen protect the quarterback and create openings for running backs.
Defensive Lineman (DL) is Rex. Though shy, Rex embodies strength and is determined to protect his territory. Similarly, defensive linemen are fierce players, aiming to disrupt the offensive and prevent them from advancing.
Linebacker (LB) is Slinky Dog. Slinky is flexible and quick, just like linebackers who need to cover ground, defend against both the run and pass, and react quickly to plays.
Cornerback (CB) is Bullseye. Quick and agile, Bullseye can dart in and out to guard against the opposition, making him comparable to a cornerback, who’s tasked with covering wide receivers and making intercepts.
Safety (S) is Andy. As the protector of his toys, Andy represents the safety position, which is all about reading the play and being in the right place to defend against big plays or provide support to other players.
Thanks AI. Now, it all makes sense. (I think).
‘Slinky Dog’ for the Vikings, aka Andrew Can Ginkel, ran up the pitch and did a touchdown thing. The whole stadium erupted in the Viking chant.
*Clap* “SKOL!!” *Clap* “SKOL!!” *Clap* “SKOL!!”
I was clapping away, having a lot of fun, when Sian reminded me I was a Jet supporter. Oh Yeah.
There was more charging and tackling, and “Hut! Hut! Hut!” But most of all, there was more talking. Every second or so, a yellow hanky was flung onto the pitch by one of the referees, prompting another discussion about what went wrong.
And again, I get it. If it were my sport, I, too, would have many rules so that we could talk more and play less.
It began to rain, and all the players were tumbling into each other like hedgehogs on ice. The rain, mixed with the shoulder pads, reminded me of the scene with Chad Michael Murray. I thought of Robert Saleh, the NY Jets coach, watching in despair as the Vikings scored another touchdown. He looked up at the screen and saw me, (I don’t know why I’m on the screen), but suddenly everything made sense to Robert Saleh. He threw off his gigantic headset.
“Robert, what are you doing? You’re throwing away your dream.”
“No, referee 5482, I’m throwing away yours.”
He climbed the walls of the Tottenham Stadium and found me.
“Mary, I’ve been waiting for….”
*CLAP!* “SKOL!” The crowd screamed, breaking me out of my fantasy.
Stephen Gilmore (aka Bullseye) had intercepted a throw, which meant the Minnesota Vikings had won, apparently. 17-23.
Sian and I leave the stadium a little wiser. We now know there is a beautiful man called Robert Saleh, who, whilst writing this Quack was fired from the NY Jets. Sad times. Skol means cheers. The midwestern U.S state, Minnesota, called their team Vikings because of the large number of residents with Scandinavian heritage in the state. New York Jets, well, the stadium was near the airport….Ok. And, with help from AI and Toy Story, we now know what everyone is doing on that pitch…kind of.
Flying Duck
The Quack is off and will return on the 23rd October. BUT, I will be releasing an old Quack for the podcast next Wednesday. Find me on all popular podcast apps. 🦆
THE QUACK 