HOW TO COMPLIMENT A STRANGER.

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“Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.”

– Blanche Dubhois, A Streetcar Named Desire.

I was waiting on the platform for the Penzance train, when a man, around my age, with wirey beard and a Patagonia fleese, stopped in front of me. He took out an earbud and said, “I think your jacket is very cool.”

“Oh,” I said, as I proudly peered down at my brown suede jacket. “Thank you. Thank you very much.”

He popped his earbud back in and wandered off, and I made a mental note to wear my brown suede jacket every single day from now on.

There was nothing he wanted in return for his compliment. He didn’t say. “Your jacket is very cool, but would be even cooler on my bedroom floor.” No. None of that. It was just something kind he had said, which gave me a little boost.

You expect your friends to say something kind now and again, to keep you going. That’s what they are there for – to cheerlead you, no matter how wrong you are. ‘”You’re one of the few people who suit lime green.” “You’re so much better than that billionaire model.” “No! Stop! I think writing a blog at 33 is very cool.”‘ As valuable as that encouragement is, you take it with a pinch of salt because they’re your friends – they have to be nice.

But it hits differently when a stranger goes out of their way to say something kind to you. Even though you know nothing about them, their words feel more truthful. If they say you have great hair, then it’s a fact. If your mum says it, then the jury is out.

I have complimented strangers before, but after my interaction with the man on the platform, I found myself wondering why I don’t do it more often. After all, it’s a free and simple way to make someone feel a little brighter about themselves.

I boarded the train to Penzance. Sitting in my eye line, (if I leaned heavily to my right), was a god-like man wearing a navy blue cap, who had one of those faces that you could easily…er…marry.

Throughout the journey, I sneaked a look. Sometimes I caught his eye and instantly looked away, but most of the time, I just stared at him as he typed away on his laptop.

He got off at Plymouth with his camouflage backpack, so I assumed he was in the military. (And if not, then the MOD has to get onto that, because this guy was as tall as the train and built like a concrete block. He could probably defend the country with his bare hands, which may be very useful in the near future).

Anyway.

I thought he was magnificent. So, naturally, when he walked past me to get off, I didn’t say a word. As the train pulled out of Plymouth, I was full of regret. Why couldn’t I be like the man on the platform and just give a compliment?

“You have such a nice, long spine…”

Or something marginally better.

It’s not just people I want to sleep with/marry forever who I find hard to compliment, but any stranger. Even when a woman walks by with a stunning outfit, I don’t say a word, mostly because I’m an overthinking Brit who avoids human interaction. I smile at people all the time, but I am hesitant to say something nice out loud in case it goes horribly wrong.

The ways it could go horribly wrong:

The Backhander

What happens when you mean to compliment someone, but end up offending them instead? Like when Paris Hilton kissed the stomach of a woman believing she was pregnant, but she wasn’t pregnant. (Golden rule: never assume someone is pregnant). I have also learned that nobody wants to be told that; their shoes look comfortable, their car is practical, what they are wearing is ‘brave’, or that their Etsy artwork would look lovely in the downstairs toilet.

The Manipulator

In this dog-eat-dog world, people are suspicious of compliments, worried that you have an agenda. I met a woman for dinner, and she told me that she always compliments someone’s outfit because it’s an easy way to make people like her more. I immediately recalled the first time we met, when she made a point to say that my outfit was “really pretty!”

It was all lies….

The art of the compliment is that you should mean it, because people can sense when you don’t. (Or, at least don’t tell anyone your social strategy).

The Creep.

What’s worse than being fake or mean is being creepy. Nobody wants to be the heavy-breathing stalker who whispers to someone, “You have nice long spine.”

What happens if it goes right, though? Your words could be just what that person needed to hear on that day. It could give them a boost before a job interview, a date, or just lighten up their mundane day. You, meanwhile, float away, feeling like some sort of flattery fairy.

We’ve gotten into the habit of relying on apps to connect with one another. In the UK, we spend on average 4 hours and 43 minutes a day, glued to our phones. In that time, we’re missing out on interacting with real-life people. And it’s no wonder we do this. It’s easier to swipe right on a dating app rather than approach someone in a coffee shop and tell them you like them. Or pressing ‘like’ on a photo rather than telling them to their face that you think their bottom is great.

❤️🍑

Lent begins today, and even though I’m not religious, I like a good old religious calendar to structure my year. We’re supposed to give up something we love for 40 days, but instead of giving up cherry cola Tic Tacs as originally planned, I am setting myself a mission: to give 40 genuine compliments to 40 strangers.