HOW *NOT* TO SET GOALS IN 2026

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I found out the other day that I had been wearing one size 6 and one size 4 trainer for over a year and a half. It irritated me. I didn’t want to be the sort of person who fails to realise they’re walking around with odd shoes. I wished I was far more put together than that. What was worse was someone else had to point it out to me – Roman. “Is it me, or does one shoe look bigger than the other?” he said, tilting his head at my feet. I was about to launch into a ‘Don’t you mansplain to me’ rant, but then I checked, and he was right.

January is the month we attempt to fix ourselves by setting goals for the year, but wearing odd-sized shoes is not something that can be ‘worked on.’ What am I supposed to say, ‘Be more present with my footwear?’ Come on.

Besides I am already buried neck deep in goals:

Walk 10,000 steps, write 1,000 words, use serum in my hair, use serum on my eyebrows, wear a retainer at night, do a weird squat thing, drink water, compliment one stranger a day, travel to somewhere hot, travel to somewhere cultural, save the environment, wear a red light Slipknot mask for six minutes per day. (I’m on 10/84 sessions; if I don’t look like an 18-year-old by the end of it, I’ll be severely disappointed).

There’s a trend going around (mostly among Gen Zs) called ‘rebranding’. This is when someone has so many goals they are basically reinventing their whole being.

I typed in ‘rebranding 2026′ into TikTok and was given thousands of rebranding tutorials. One was called ’60 Days of Sexy.’

“This is how you’re going to be the coolest, fittest, and sexiest version of yourself in 2026,” the influencer said. (Well… not wearing odd shoes would be a start). She told us to eat whole foods, put on cute outfits, exercise, drink 2 liters of water AT LEAST, and do something fun for yourself. She’s not wrong; all those things make me feel marginally cooler, even sexier at times.

Others’ tutorials were a bit more extreme. One influencer said if you want to do a ‘RADICAL rebranding,’ then you should move somewhere else. I sighed. This is why Emily in Paris is bad for us. But then I remembered the time I moved to Australia at 26; I didn’t want to be Mary from England who hated the outdoors, I wanted to be tanned Mary, the surfer, who ate acai bowls all day. It didn’t have a label at the time, but I guess that was me trying to rebrand. Anyway, it didn’t work. I hated swimming, and the acai made my teeth feel funny. So, it was back to ‘Mary from England’ …but living in Brisbane.

That’s the thing about being in your twenties; you’re more open (vulnerable) to a rebranding. As satisfying as it is to create vision boards of the life you want and to write goals to create habits so that you become a different person – it’s pretty hard to make big changes, especially when they fundamentally aren’t you. It’s far easier to learn to accept your non-outdoorsy self.

Health goals have always been around, but now the arts have been invaded. In the last few years, we have started to declare everything we read and watch. And then, like we’re all playing a 365-day game of poker, we reveal our number at the end of the year.

If you’re not familiar with Letterboxd, then well done, you’re still enjoying film. I’m cursed with the damn thing; I feel if I haven’t logged what I have watched, then did I even watch it at all? It’s tempting to set a goal in January – I want to watch 100 films this year, only to find yourself watching some terrible Netflix Christmas movie, just so you can get the numbers up. It also makes us disgustingly competitive.

In September, Poetry Ed had an impressive number of films watched; it was distressing for Roman, who was lagging. He was the film guy. It brought out a side of him that I hadn’t seen before. “But he’s logging short films! THAT’S CHEATING!!!” At the end of the year, Poetry Ed had watched 217 films – Roman had 216. It killed him.

It’s not just films its books too. I thought I was doing ok with my 30 odd books, and then I scrolled through Bookstagram.

“I have read 90 books this year.”

“I read…40 books every month.”

“I read 435 books.”

It took me a month just to read Butter! There must be no space in-between the words they are reading! Gatsby on speed….

InmyyoungerandmorevulnerableyearsmyfathergavemesomeadvicethatI’vebeenturningoverinmymindevesince“Wheneveryoufeellikecriticizinganyone,”hetoldme,“justrememberthatallthepeopleinthisworldhaven’thadtheadvantagesthatyou’vehad.”

I get it – there is something strangely satisfying about closing a book or ticking off a film, but weren’t the arts supposed to be there for us to escape our ambitions, for just a moment? And not to be an art w*nker about it, but are we really absorbing these character arcs if we’re jumping from one story to the next? Like when people watched Oppenheimer and Barbie on the same day, they wouldn’t have appreciated the genius cinematic work that is Barbie.

And that goes for all goals, are we really feeling that much sexier if we’re trying to reinvent ourselves entirly, rather than just tweak a thing or two?

So, this year, my goal is to try and not make goals. It will be quality over quantity when it comes to books and films. And I won’t strive to be a better version of myself by doing something silly like a…plank challenge. I will, however, keep wearing my red light mask, because I am 34, and I’ve got to give myself every chance. And, perhaps, be more present with my footwear.