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When I turned up at film school in 2010, I was nineteen and had come straight from my sweet, sheltered all-girls Catholic school. I wanted to learn how to write screenplays like Richard Curtis, and how to cut film montages like the one I had seen when Bella was dying in Twilight. You could say, I was a little green back then. Sometimes I wonder how I even survived…
Survival Tip One: Hide.
One teacher was a former TV director. He wore long leather jackets and drove into the school on a Harley Davidson. He would walk into class like a Resevoir Dog and began with a scary pep talk
“I tell you guys, this industry is not for the faint-hearted. If you can’t stomach me, than you won’t last a second out there….”
We then started the class, which was filming puppets.
One by one the students would take it in turns to be “in the director’s chair.”
“Why did you cut to camera 3? The shot of the puppet is clearly better in camera 1!?” The teacher would shout.
I didn’t fancy being in that director’s chair, so I volunteered to be the class editor instead. I hid far away in the editing suites, and got one of the highest marks in the class.
Survival Tip 2: Take notes.
The course was mostly practical; learning how to light a room to look like a sunset and how to focus a camera. But sometimes we had film studies. These classes would vary depending on the lecturer. Like once, a screenwriter came in. He had some work to do, so he put on Die Hard for us to watch. “Yeah, just…take notes on Bruce’s character arc.” Another lecturer came in and wanted to show us how much he knew. He spent the lesson naming obscure arthouse films and then got angry that we hadn’t watched them.
“What do you mean you haven’t watched 1988, Drowning by Numbers? Guys, come on!”
He then went on to say that Michael Bay (director of The Transformers franchise) had, “bent over and let Hollywood screw him.” I wrote it down in my lecture notes. Michael Bay….has bent…over…and let…Holly….wood …screw him…
Survival Tip 3: Damien wants to make films.
The first day of the experimental film module, had us meditating for twenty minutes, whilst the teacher walked around and said things like,
“What do you see in your mind’s eye?”
The idea of this module was to teach us how to be as creative as possible. We were given a project called ‘colour’, where we had to chose a colour and do a presentation on it to the class of why that colour makes us feel creative. I chose white and bought some white caps and fabric pens. My thought was that white allowed a blank canvas for us to create. I got the class to draw a design on their cap.
Everybody had fun drawing doodles and writing words on their cap, but fellow student, Damien hadn’t drawn anything on his cap.
“I haven’t drawn anything on my cap because…no offence Mary…but it’s this kind of s*** which is why I left drama school. I came here to make films, not to draw on caps. I’m going home.”
He walked out. I looked down at my cap which I had drawn sunshines all over, and whimpered.
Survival Tip 4: If you don’t smoke pot, make yourself useful.
I made some good friends at film school, even if it was done in a roundabout way. We would occasionally gather at a house where four of the guys lived and sit in a dark lounge, surrounded by DVDs and beer bottles. A joint would be passed around the living room. When it got to me, I would smile and wave my hand. “No, thank you.” (That’s another lesson Catholic school didn’t teach you—how to be cool). One night, I got bored of the drowsy film chat, so I went and cleaned the boys’ kitchen. I was supposed to only wash a few plates, but it got out of hand.
One of the boys came in, red eyed and confused. “Why is our kitchen so sparkly?”
“Oh, I just did a little wipe down,” I said, as I lit a scented candle and left it on the bench. They were super happy with me, and I was invited back.
(In hindsight, it would have been easier if I had just smoked pot).
Survival Tip 5: Catering
After three months into the course, we were let loose to create our first short film. Student films are notorious because of the limited budget and limited skills. Mine was no exception. I had my crew of students, four professional and patient actors, a borrowed living room, and a mousy voice.
“So…I was…thinking…perhaps…we could…go again…but…this time…could you….do it like…you …like your….wife…please?
What I didn’t have in on-set presence, I made up for in the catering. It may not have been an Oscar-winning film, but I put on the best spread: sandwiches, gummy worms, carrot cake… If only actors ate food.
Survival Tip 6: Back up.Back up.Back up.
Jess, Kat, and I took the five-hour train journey to Durham to film a documentary about the student drinking culture. We spent all night filming students as they drank in bars and danced in clubs. As soon as we got home, I accidentally wiped half of the footage. Back up. Back up. Back up….
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